9 Fingers from the Right

Have you ever come across something from your past and it sends you in this crazy spin of emotion? Feeling cluttered, I decided to rummage through a box of "crap" i'd kept in my closet for way too long. I found an old diary from about 5 years ago and inside, a poem i'd written. I had just gotten engaged and was terrified to screw it up. This would be the second time someone had asked me to marry them, the first not working out as planned obviously. The words I wrote in that mindset spoke to the mess going on in my head. Im sure if my thoughts and emotions were a painting, they'd likely be represented in a complete spectrum of grey and disorder. This is my reasoning for being a pack rat. It's priceless to have a primary source of where you've been and recall every significant emotion of how you made your way out of the clutter.


Nine Fingers from the Right

Forged promises falsely flaunted nine fingers from the right.
False reasons for removal, made fact, then false once more.
Dubbed a fool by convenient definition in my own sight.

How did I get here so far from where I was,
All the while round in circles, up and down, stagnant in one place
The pain I caused along the way is enough to be ashamed of
Matters of the heart so conveniently thrown away

My mistakes from victim one not yet buried in the past,
still on my way to answer “yes” to his replacement in the cast
I’ll keep these fingers crossed, these knuckles on wood, the saltshakers in sight
And tightly grip this second promise nine fingers from the right.

September to Remember......

I totally meant to post this blog in October but my scatter brain did not allow it. So let's just say that September was great. My very first Cowboys game, drunk taxi ride to the hotel after Irish Car Bombs *gratis*...Two very memorable birthday celebrations, Front row at a Paramore show in Dallas with my BFF, an unexpected shakedown by the Fuzz...(exaggeration). It was a roller coaster, but I can honestly say that I grew as a person in one months time. Unbelievable, I know...but possible.

KlareBear<3

Close my eyes...

The scent of macadamia nut pancakes is fresh in my memory. Can't wait to return to Boots & Kimo's to try them again, and again. Although it is partially the actual food itself I crave, it's a moment I can't wait to relive. My brother, sister, niece, nephew, and ocean roads at my grasp....no work, all play, and the breeze in my hair. I could go on and on........... A moment that some may have found so insignificant is one I will never forget. Funny.... food and family..it's always the way to go.

Blessings in tact

So... I'm in Hawaii visiting my sister, niece, and nephew. Seeing them again (nephew for the first time) after about 2 1/2 years has been a dream come true to say the least. It's even more amazing that my brother is here with us...so amazing. I'm soaking in the privilege of having both my brother and sister within arms reach at once. Nothing has ever made me happier than this, with the exception of seeing my niece again and meeting my nephew for they are my life and missing them is the worst pain I've ever felt<3

To get to the point of this blog, I'll just shoot:

My sister has always been that one person that I have ALWAYS looked up to. From what to wear, what my make-up should or shouldn't look like, to what my goals should be and the best way to get there, I know that I can always count on here advice to be better than any other would give. Being here to see her move into her new, beautiful, Hawaiian home has made me want more out of myself.

The past two years have been the toughest of all for me because of self-inflicted disaster. Through the mess I've made out of my perfect situation back home, seeing the success that my sister has made out of her life, marriage, and motherhood has changed me for the better. In what I couldn't accomplish in years of attempt, my sister, brother, niece, and nephew have helped surface what I've always known, but have never sworn by in a matter of days, which is:

All that is crucial to my existence is my family and my fiance. My whole life, I've always put my friends and social life on a level, not equal too, but too close to that of which I keep them on and this trip has changed that for me. I will get on my plane back to San Antonio on Sunday night and when I get home, I will lead a different life and act according to my realization. I've never felt this eager or willing to be a better person or change whom I've been all these years. I see now that I envy my sister for having everything that I want and being strong willed and mature enough to live life to keep each of her blessings in tact. This is my goal, which I say with the highest level of honesty and love... I will live life to keep my blessings in tact and remind myself of this trip to Hawaii each step of the way.

Cheers to a successful trip in Paradise!

KlarityLove

Comfortably Uncomfortable

Following the trend of my sister, chose to start a blog too. It's interesting that so many of us have so many things swirling around in our heads and never let them out to play. Maybe it's time for me to finally let go of all the garbage..... this is my portal.

To take a look at myself in the mirror is a disheartening experience. There are so many things I should regret but don't.. which makes my wonder, am I a cold-hearted bitch for not wishing; with all that is me, that I could take that back? Well, I've never made apologies for who I am or what I've chosen to do and that's what has helped me proceed...... even if I still find myself walking on egg shells.

klaritylove